All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
