i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
