Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
