Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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