you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
