I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
His nipple licking is glorious
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