Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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