So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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