My first STD was from a foam party
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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