her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
So many bounce houses so little time
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He better not be in your backpack
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
