Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
