Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
