happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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