My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
