I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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