What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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