Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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