Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
