Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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