listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
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