I just saw a hot homeless man
North Korea, Best Korea!
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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