When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
