he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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