Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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