dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
