I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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