I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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