right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
