I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
