now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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