You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
