if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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