I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
