she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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