im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
