dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
