Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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