I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I have tasted many bathrooms
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
