3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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