Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
