threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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