I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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