Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
