It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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