My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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