Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
