I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
