i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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