Hey man sorry I got all grabby
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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