She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
