We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
