well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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